The Collegian » Nathan Sanderson

The human race slides further and further into stupidity

Nathan Sanderson — Wed, 30 Apr 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

Early humans required very little to survive. If you give a Cro Magnon a sharpened stick to gather some Mammoth meat, a Mastodon hide or two to keep warm and a dry cave to protect him from a hungry Saber-toothed tiger, he was just fine.

Obviously, he lived long enough to discover fire, invent the wheel and reproduce often enough to allow all of us to be here.

Modern humans are weenies. We’re so pathetic that if we ate the diet of early man, we’d all ingest salmonella and die. Our dainty stomachs get one taste of E. Coli O157:H7 and we’re making a mad dash to the restroom and shortly thereafter to the law offices of James Sokolove to sue the restaurant for millions in punitive damages and mental anguish.

It’s too bad that Tiger Woods ate pasta cooked by his girlfriend and not a major restaurant chain a few weeks ago when he got sick.

We have “progressed” to the point where our needs not only include food, clothing and shelter, but caffeine, a little yipper dog and a palm pilot as well.

Our evolution is going so badly that in the near future, marriages will have all the frills and paperwork of a cell phone contract. Instead of a quick jaunt to Vegas, those desiring lifelong servitude to a member of the opposite sex will have to prove a good credit rating and pay a major activation charge. If you desire to exit your contract early, a major penalty in the form of a termination fee will be assessed. If you decide to skip out on that, a bounty hunter will track you down, where the only remains of your existence will be the pictures of your broken body your ex places on the Internet.

As humans grow closer and closer to the point where we are so overpopulated that our relatively small planet doesn’t have the room or the ability to produce enough food for the masses (if you ask some experts, that time is in about 50 years), we are becoming more finicky.

Organic food is popular, but our backwards society also advocates vegetarianism and veganism. Proponents of these theories eat plants derived from gathering and farming, which was introduced after man had enough to eat because he just killed a wildebeest with his sharpened stick. Humans decided it was easier to eat a Gnu than to wait six months for some seeds to grow up.

As the human species gets older, it also gets dumber. Ancient man only needed his bare hands to gather food. We require Whit, the Papa John’s Pizza delivery guy. But I suppose ol’ Cro Magnon didn’t have any toilet paper, either.

Here’s to progress!

Nathan Sanderson once survived for four years in the Canadian wilderness with only a rusty hatchet. Tell him how unworthy you are to read his column at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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As you begin this column, Nathan is still finishing it up

Nathan Sanderson — Wed, 16 Apr 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

Procrastination: To postpone or delay needlessly. Or, to put off doing the smallest, most insignificant item until the last possible moment, thereby inducing five times as much work as would have been required if done immediately.

Those of us who procrastinate seem incapable of performing any task until absolutely necessary. Basically this means that we are lazy.

Waiting until the last minute is something that Americans are becoming quite adept at. That’s why we drive our cars until the fuel gauge is a quarter-inch past “E,” the tires are as smooth as good whiskey or it gets as dirty as Nixon politics. We wait until we have 3,998 miles between oil changes before it goes in for a tune-up.

It not only takes an iron will, but also requires a large amount of dedication and hard work to be a successful procrastinator. College students are pros at holding off on doing something until we’re good and ready.

I’ve seen roommates who have gone for five weeks eating nothing but hot dogs, E-Z Mac, and Sunny D, simply because they were too lazy to actually drive to Hy-Vee.

Let’s not forget that everyone who has ever taken Physics and has had a lab report due at 5 p.m. on Friday waits until 4:58 pm to hand it in (usually, there’s a line every Friday just before five at the slots in Crothers to hand each week’s packets in).

I know at least one hundred people who wait to do laundry until there’s nothing in their room left to wear except jeans they’re worn four times previously, a T-shirt from a pile that may or may not be dirty, and socks that they wore yesterday. The motto for these guys is, “If we use enough cologne, it’ll work for today!”

Frequently, the trash in these rooms is piled up so high that there are three heaping garbage bags spilling onto the floor. Each of these could have been removed several times, as both of the gentlemen in the room have passed by a dumpster numerous times on their way to class, but were too preoccupied to bother. Ahh, the indolence of those attending post-secondary education.

Why do today, what we can do tomorrow? For a typical student, this statement blares like a rock ‘n’ roll anthem. No one can make a deadline with seconds to spare like a desperate collegian with a major grade hanging in the balance.

The only other option would be to actually do the work before the due date. It’s more likely that I would knock out Mike Tyson in our upcoming July 15 bout.

Vegas has 50-1 odds on the latter. I have earmuffs.

Nathan Sanderson has something Mike Tyson doesn’t: a tattoo-less face (for a little while, at least). Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Nathan desires a rock star’s life

Nathan Sanderson — Tue, 08 Apr 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

At some point in everyone’s life, a dream to be a rock star springs up.

For me, it’s been in the last two years.

As graduation day looms in my very near future, I am trying as hard as possible to avoid getting a real job.

I would rather be a professional athlete, an actor, a supermodel or a rock singer long before having to sit in a cubicle and grind my life away like the software engineers on “Office Space.”

However, my Rock ‘n’ Roll career isn’t taking off, as my unsupportive wife tells me that my voice is more suited to folk ballads than say, Guns ‘n’ Roses (ouch).

So here I sit, loads of talent wasted, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and the ghost of John Denver sing “Sunshine on my Shoulders” as I watch Axl Rose and Mick Jagger go to the Paradise City.

Oh, won’t you please take me home?

I guess music just isn’t my bag o’ chips. If Rock ‘n’ Roll is Spicy Doritos, I must be Original Old Dutch. That’s probably a good thing, however.

All of the loose women, free-flowing alcohol, and partying wouldn’t be good for me at all.

While alcohol often gives men the best of ideas (Winston Churchill was bombed through most of his adult life), it also gives us the worst (i.e. Drunk Exxon Valdez ship’s Captain + Supertanker + Oil Spill=Oops).

Even though a Rock Star’s career is often as short-lived as a Jenny Craig client’s diet at a Casino Buffet, for those few years, nothing could be better. And since things like good looks, musicianship, and talent are usually prerequisites for the job (exceptions: Tom Petty, Marilyn Manson, and the Beastie Boys), I guess that my dream to become a Rock Star probably won’t come true the same way that the one dollar I spend every week on Powerball would be better used on an electric toilet paper dispenser.

Dreaming about something that cannot possibly come true is often a waste of time.

Sooner or later I know that I have to get a real job and stop thinking about a fun, high-paying, low-working entertainment job where people pay hundreds of dollars just to be within ten feet of me when I lip-sync words to music written by someone else.

But, if I am not discovered in the next few years and don’t get a big time contract, I bet you’ll still see me on stage somewhere.

I may be the Roadie, but by God, I’m getting on stage!

Nathan Sanderson will do anything to be famous, up to and including starting a band called Fresh Voyce. Write him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Nathan names the five greatest cartoons that ever were

Nathan Sanderson — Wed, 26 Mar 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

I tried to create a cartoon once. I scratched out several thought bubbles and filled them with witty, engaging commentary.

Then I tried to draw.

My “wonderful” cartoon looked like a combination of Vincent Van Gogh on speed and Jimmy Kimmel’s first-grade art project.

Tossing dreams of artistic expression aside, I was content to watch my cartoons on television.

We’ve been lucky enough to live in the golden age of cartoons-there have been numerous quality programs made over the last few decades.

The following is a list of the top cartoons I’d want shown if I were stranded on a desert island with nothing but a TV and a tinfoil antenna that could only pick up Cartoon Network.

5.) “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”: Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo kicked Shredder’s butt every week and I fought and punched right along with them. April O’Neal was the hottest cartoon chick since “He-Man”‘s Teela, and kept me watching every Saturday morning at 9:30.

4.) “Transformers” or “G.I. Joe”: These two find a spot together because they were on back-to-back after school and were similar in theme. I had about seven Transformers and approximately 50,000 G.I. Joe figures and accessories (Sgt. Slaughter and Destroy rocked). I don’t think I could have made it as a kid without these two shows.

3.) “The Flintstones”: Okay, if you don’t know the theme song ask ANYONE-until you get to that certain part. You know: “Let’s ride with the family down the street…(insert mumbling and humming along here)…blazing feet.” Also, this was the first show to feature a husband and wife sleeping together. Yabba, dabba, doo!

2.) “Looney Toons”: While everyone has their favorite (Road Runner vs. Wile E. Coyote rules), this entire group is about as good as cartoons get. As a student I sometimes feel like Bugs Bunny. What’s up, Doc?

1.) “The Simpsons”: Matt Groening is a genius. Who doesn’t love Homer, Bart, Groundskeeper Willy, or Disco Stu? This cartoon brought us Duff, d’oh!, and Kelsey Grammar as a psychotic killer. What more could you ask for?

Honorable Mentions: There are tons of others that I’d watch as well. Let’s not forget “Rocky and Bullwinkle,” “Underdog,” “Mighty Mouse,” “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” “He-Man,” “Tailspin,” “Tom and Jerry,” “The Smurfs,” “King of the Hill” or “Beavis and Butthead.”

If all of this nostalgia is getting to you, go home and resurrect those “Ghostbusters” bed sheets, your old “Duck Tales” lunchbox, or your “Punky Brewster” sleeping bag.

But please, leave your “Captain Planet” magic ring at home. Greenpeace is on the job.

Nathan Sanderson is too ashamed to admit that the cartoon hero he most aspired to be was Rainbow Brite. In addition, he owned over 30,000 My Little Ponies. Berate him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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SDSU could be America’s secret weapon in the war against Iraq if the U.S. asks for us

Nathan Sanderson — Wed, 12 Mar 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

With a war against Iraq almost certainly coming soon, it seems that the entire nation has thrown itself into a frenzy.

Not since the 1960′s have we seen the type of hysteria that caused school children then to crouch below desks to protect themselves from a nuclear blast and now for citizens to barricade their homes with plastic and duct tape.

Come to think of it, I don’t buy the desk thing. The desk that I was provided with in elementary school was barely enough to keep me from falling to the floor.

In the event that our rogue foe in the Middle East does decide to unleash his arsenal of weapons, I think that South Dakota will be pretty safe.

I mean, if you had to bomb someplace, wouldn’t you want to hit something other than a corn field?

Consequently, if I was a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the government of the United States, I might look into expanding our missile research facilities to include SDSU.

There are engineers all over this campus, our fair state is remotely populated, thereby reducing the number of people with any knowledge of such activities and it is almost certain to be overlooked by any potential adversaries.

Sounds to me like an ideal place to build a research station for the military!

Let’s not forget that land is relatively cheap, there is an abundance of back roads available for covert transport, and barren areas in the western half of the state for testing.

Who needs a half-mile of solid rock and concrete for protection against Saddam’s attack like NORAD has?

We have anonymity and thousands of miles of open country. Go ahead and try to find us!

Well, maybe we shouldn’t move a potential nuclear threat into the area when the worst chemical agent we have to worry about is a hog lagoon.

It sounds good financially, but it is nice not having to think about how my house is going to explode other than from a tornado.

And while Saddam Hussein has about the same reasoning skills as Mr. Bean, there’s no reason to give him a local target.

If SDSU goes to Division I and the University is short some money, I suggest we give Colin Powell a call–maybe he’s looking for a new location for a military installation.

As Michelle Lauck told me when we were discussing this issue, “SDSU could change their slogan from ‘You can go anywhere from here’ to ‘Our Missile program is the best thing since SDSU Ice Cream!’”

Nathan Sanderson is actually the best thing since SDSU Ice Cream. Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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You think we have it bad? Then you should see Indiana!

Nathan Sanderson — Tue, 25 Feb 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

Last week in Indianapolis, Indiana, a man died on the interstate at approximately 6 p.m.

The gentleman in question was reportedly hit by an 18-wheeler, a pickup and at least six cars.

He was standing in the middle of the road facing oncoming traffic.

Sounds like an open-and-shut case to me.

However, the Indianapolis police department has been unable to determine exactly what happened.

Why?

No one that hit him has come forward.

This obviously suicidal fellow was smacked by at least eight vehicles and no one will admit to running him over!

That’s just a portion of my Indiana experience from last weekend.

On that same day 27 people died and 51 were injured at a night club in downtown Indy. There wasn’t a fire, an explosion, or a shooting.

These casualties occurred because some girl sprayed mace on a guy that was getting too friendly with her.

Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.

Does it?

The U.S. government’s “Condition-Orange” statement of a few weeks ago put so many people on edge that the crowd thought the mace was some kind of biological agent.

In their panic-induced surge down a narrow stairwell, those 27 souls were crushed to death because the crowd thought it was a terrorist attack.

I mention these two things because I am moving to Indiana in May. I’ve always been open to changes of location, but some of these folks are downright nuts.

I’ve seen strange things in my day, but the guy I saw in the lobby of the Indiana State Museum takes the cake.

As I entered the museum, I saw a 45 year old man, about 6’5″ tall who weighed at least 300 pounds. He appeared normal enough, until you looked closer.

Slung over one shoulder was a pink Powerpuff Girls backpack, far too large for any young child to carry. In addition, this pony-tail sporting, black leather jacket wearing dude was flipping through a Japanimation cartoon magazine and humming the Gilligan’s Island theme song.

It was like Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Hell’s Angel’s gang leader and Avril Lavigne all rolled into one!

I’m sure that not all folks from Indiana are that strange–I know one guy who’s a little crazy, but not weird.

Since I can’t get out of moving, I guess I’ll just have to try to blend in with the local population.

I suppose all I have to do to fit in is learn to love basketball and racing and find out what the heck a Hoosier is.

Nathan Sanderson is just glad he’s not being forced to relocate to the lovely tropical resort of northern Siberia. In comparison, Indiana seems almost peachy! Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Looking out for folks to party with

Nathan Sanderson — Wed, 19 Feb 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

At this point in the semester, distinct lines have formed among the fair students of SDSU. One lesson newcomers learn almost immediately is the “party within your group” rule. If you don’t know what this is, you really should get out more.

When attending a social gathering, it is imperative that you hang with comrades lest you become the butt end of a rather nasty prank. Stick with those you look like, act like, and smell like, or prepare to be stripped bare and thrust hind-first into a snowbank “Mystery, Alaska”-style.

Please observe and join one of the following.

Engineers: These studious guys hang in the corner measuring can after can with a Vernier caliper to ensure they all have the “exact” same dimensions. They are also the ones racing to determine how long it would take a 150 pound man to hit the ground if he jumped off the roof of Crothers Engineering Hall. Unless you know what a Vernier caliper is, find another group to hang with.

Ag./Rodeo People: Of all the groups, this would be the best one to join–unless you don’t know anything about crops, animals, or machines. “Roughies” can smell a fake a hundred miles away and are the most ruthless when it comes to punishment. However, when you get into the good graces of these folks, they will side with you ’til the end, fighting anyone who is interested at the drop of a hat. You had better be into whiskey or beer, however, because no Ag. Party worth its salt would let anyone drink a wine cooler or malt beverage.

Jocks: These guys throw some pretty good parties and usually have lots of available women–the only downside is that you have to actually be in a sport to qualify. If you have athletic skill in your genes, were a “stud” athlete in high school or think you were, this group’s for you.

Music/Arts: This collaboration of people is the most diverse, most accepting and most enthusiastic of them all. If you want to meet people and have a good time, this one’s where it’s at. If you’re into experimentation or like your booze with fruit–you’ve found a winner with these folks.

There are others that make merry with the best of them–the Pharmacy and Nursing get-togethers are great places to meet women, for example.

No matter whom you decide to celebrate with, be sure to save your tabs for the Ronald McDonald House and your empty cans separate for Glen the Can Man. That way you can justify any offensive or foolhardy actions as helping those in need.

Nathan Sanderson parties with the gerontology majors at the Brookings nursing home. “It’s awesome!” he says. Write him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Valentine’s Day strikes once again

Nathan Sanderson — Tue, 11 Feb 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

When February rolls around, the females of our species seem to get into a certain mood that is difficult to shake.

Emotions run high as anticipation meets expectation. While Groundhog Day may arouse this feeling in Pennsylvania, for the rest of the world that feeling means that it is St. Valentine’s Day.

From my experience there are two camps in this “War of the Roses.”

The first camp would side with Bobby Boucher’s mom in “The Waterboy:” “Valentine’s Day is THE DEVIL!”

The other side has an obligation, but not necessarily a desire, to participate with flowers, roses, candy, etc.

For those folks who are tired of the traditional Valentine’s Day endowments and are looking for other alternatives, there are many gifts NOT to give.

Even if your honey said that she wants chocolate, Slim Fast is still not a good idea. Here are a few other gifts that should not show up in her gift basket, unless you want to spend the money to become single again. When she says, “I don’t want anything,” don’t listen, unless your gift is something like this.

1.) A subscription to Playboy (or Playgirl); 2.) A mixed CD with “Baby Got Back,” the “Thong Song” or “Fat Bottomed Girls;” 3.) Dinner for two at McDonalds; 4.) Breast enhancement pills/brochures; 5.) Hip waders; or 6.) A full-sized poster of the Coors Light Twins.

There are other gifts that just don’t make your significant other slightly-less-than warm and fuzzy inside.

If you want to avoid that ice-cube effect, do not give her any of the following:

1.) An IOU; 2.) A beer; 3.) A Rich Gannon jersey-I don’t care if he’s your favorite player; 4.) A lapdance; 5.) Odor Eaters; or 6.) A one-way ticket to Iraq.

Usually it’s not a good idea to buy something from Spencer Gifts and put it in a Victoria’s Secret bag–your better half won’t appreciate it.

If you still don’t get the picture and want to avoid the usual blandness of Valentine’s Day, get something expensive, you’re bound to find a winner there.

Valentine’s Day often comes with responsibilities that most of us dread, but are under obligation to perform anyway. Part of the rite of courtship is putting up with lame things just to please the other. That’s life.

If you think you’re going to strike out, just go with the $70 dozen roses delivered to her room.

At least that way, you’ll get to enjoy the $100 you’ve spent at Victoria’s Secret.

Nathan Sanderson got his baby doll one of those singing fish for Valentine’s Day. Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Lies can save your relationships

Nathan Sanderson — Tue, 04 Feb 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

Honesty is the most important aspect in any relationship. Without open lines of communication, that special someone in your life will grow as distant as the nooky you’re looking for.

There are times, however, when it may not be feasible to be exactly truthful. In these instances, it is generally acceptable to slightly skew your answer to be respectful to your significant other.

To assist the tactless masses on the campus, here are some phrases to use when situations require an answer that may not be 100 percent true. These passages reflect why honesty truly is the best policy and why, as George Costanza said, “It’s only a lie if you don’t believe it.”

Remember to only use these lines in an extreme emergency–over-use will limit their effectiveness and the author takes no responsibility for the junk-kicking you will receive.

1.) “Of course you’re not fat–I shrunk those clothes in the laundry.”

2.) “Yes, I really love you, too.”

3.) “No baby, your family’s not weird–I like interesting people.”

4.) “There’s no way the video camera in my bedroom is on–it must be charging…”

5.) “I’m a little nervous–I’ve never done this with anyone else before.”

There are other times when you may be caught in an act that may not be what one would call “appropriate.” In order to save face so you do not look like Dan Quayle on “Larry King Live,” here are some short quips that may give you a little damage control and protect that tiny shred of respect you’re clinging to.

1.) “I wasn’t staring at her–she had the most interesting … jeans.”

2.) “There’s no need to appraise your ring–of course it’s a real diamond.”

3.) “I think your cooking is great–I love Cajun.”

4.) “There is no doubt in my mind that you look better than your sister.”

5.) “You’re right–she had two large, round, perky, voluptuous … eyes.”

It should be mentioned at this point that I was assisted in this compilation by three single guys who haven’t had a date in months. With this in mind, here are several more fire-extinguishing lines.

1.) “There is nothing I’d rather do than spend time with you.”

2.) “Of course I’m not interested in sex on the first date.”

3.) “I enjoy sleeping on the couch–it’s good for my back.”

4.) “Two females? That’s gross!”

If none of these “truths” seem to work for you, I suppose you could always tell the actual truth and deal with the consequences. However, if you cannot stoop to such a level and really need an out, you could use the line that another single friend of mine has made famous.

If you’re in a bind, try, “You’re not as easy as some of the other girls I’ve dated.”

I hope you make it past the first date.

Nathan Sanderson never needs to lie to protect his dignity in his relationship, which is why you should listen to him. Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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Flying the friendly sky

Nathan Sanderson — Tue, 21 Jan 2003 05:00:00 +0000

Nathan Sanderson

I love to fly, don’t you?

I’m not talking about you or your buddy renting a turboprop plane and cruising up to Watertown, or something else you might call “flying.” I’m talking about flying commercially and then standing in line for seven hours because Mabel forgot that there are three pounds of metal in the $28 worth of change in her pocket.

It’s great to watch people sitting in the airport terminal before take-off. Every stranger sits at least one chair apart, unless some guy strikes up a conversation with a hottie going to see her grandmother over New Year’s.

Once you’re boarded and crammed into that 13 inch wide floatation device close to someone who paid for one seat and got a seat-and-a-half, you can hear the collective “you’re in my personal space” groan from everyone.

My favorite part is the free in-flight entertainment. I have rarely flown when there wasn’t a kid screaming and kicking my chair, Joe Bob selling insurance or someone yakking at me without taking a breath.

On my recent trip to Tucson, I was seated next to a kind, nice-looking woman in her 60s, small enough to be a comfortable companion in our dual seats, who smiled sweetly when I sat down. I thought to myself, “I’ve hit the jackpot! Someone who will be tolerable, polite, and totally uninterested in anything I have to say!”

Before I had my belt buckled and my magazine out she says, “Tell me you’re a Cribbage player!”

“No,” I reply, “never learned the game.”

“Well,” she says, “no one is perfect, I guess. Some people should take it upon themselves to learn (insert two hours flight time here), you know?”

To avoid such interactions, you can pretend to sleep–however, you’ll miss your chance for six ounces of Coke, five ice cubes and four stale pretzels.

Next time I’ll just try the baggage compartment.

Nathan Sanderson plans on driving everywhere in his conversion van from now on. Even to Europe. Write to him at znbsanders@hotmail.com.

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