With the flair and fashion that smacks of arrogant aristocracy, the Brookings City Council?and particularly Mayor Virgil Herriott?have adopted the attitude that anyone opposed to the flagrantly unfair Third-B tax Just Doesn’t Get It.

“There’s a lack of understanding why or what we’re going to do with it,” said one council member and reported by the Brookings Register regarding the allocation of Third-B funds.

A lack of understanding? Hardly. Try: A lack of support. A paltry one-week prior to the April 30 vote, commissioners are just now deciding how to spend the money. Apparently, they’ve already assumed that this will pass. This is not Chump Change here. This is not a $20 bill found on a floor. This is Real Money.

The immense issue of “How can we spend all of this student-funded tax?” should have been resolved long ago, not a week prior. It’s one thing to procrastinate on an English paper. But it’s an entirely foolish and arrogant affair to procrastinate on the minutia of a $260,000 tax.

In deciding how to spend the money, the city feels confident that it can turn over the riches to the Unelected, and Unaccountable Convention and Visitors Bureau. I’m greatly amused at how the city has become a grocery clerk sent to pick up the bill. What a fantastic double dip: collect the money from activities paid for by many students?prepared food and alcohol?and then give the money back to the businesses who collected it so they can promote themselves.

No sooner did the City Council express its bewilderment at the possibility of being $260,000 richer than did the Brookings School Board explain why it would have to cut special education and borrow money from other programs. With a projected deficit of $70,000, the schools are in trouble, but Brookings City Council members and the mayor seem only concerned with bringing more Car Shows and Religious Conventions to town?college and high school student be damned.

Is one more billboard or one more radio ad for the Brookings Arts Festival worth $8 per SDSU student per year? On April 30, go to the polls and reject a tax that you must pay on your meal plans. Reject a tax that the city does not even understand. Reject needless expenses and extravagance. Don’t allow city government to brazenly ignore repeated and sustained complaints from students. Vote No.

E-mail comments to nathan_hopper@sdstate.edu.

Seeing as how all the bridges in South Dakota have been burned, it only makes sense that Gov. Janklow would take his torch to Washington D.C. in search of some tinder.

For those of you who don’t follow state politics, here’s the Short and Sweet: term limited, and all out of enemies, Janklow announced on March 6 that he will run for South Dakota’s sole congressional seat.

I do not doubt his veracity or resolve. But it is precisely the Janklow resolve that ought ring the alarm for any South Dakotan. Much like chislic and kuchen, I think some things are best left in South Dakota and best dealt with by South Dakotans. Cute analogies aside: the pickings are slim for the upcoming election season.

In his defense, Janklow is at least head and shoulders above his opponent, 22-year Washington scurf Larry Pressler – who manages to give just as bad name to the cadre of Rhode’s Scholars as former president Bill Clinton did.

Janklow’s ambitions leave the state with a bit of a power vacuum.

Aiming for the governor’s office are Attorney General Mark Barnett and Sioux Falls businessman Steve Kirby.

Though they claim to have wildly divergent political beliefs, one thing is certain: they’re both Republicans. As such, the cloth from which they’re cut is strikingly similar.

Long a bastion for All Things Conservative, the bleak choices we as voters are left with seldom seems to attract any attention. A Republican armada tightly controls all manners of state government. All Board of Regents members, judges, and a vicious faction of state representatives and senators are Republican, or Republican appointees.

The tight one-party grip has long handicapped our state. I don’t care if Things Get Done, as in laws get passed. The business of government is as much passing laws as it is blocking them. But a political monoculture does nothing to protect government from itself and nothing to protect people from the government.

It took Mexico nearly 70 years of horrible corrupt, amazingly heinous government before it could step free itself from the manacles of one-party rule. If Mexico can figure it out, why can’t South Dakotans?

E-mail comments to nathan_hopper@sdstate.edu.

I’m working on a new venture: I want to take a minimum of $35,000 from 3,000 different people – because I can spend it more wisely than them. The English Major is open for suggestions on how best to do this.

Lacking any properly original ideas, Plan A is to follow the Brooking City Council – implement Yet Another Tax on prepared foods. They have a Brutally successful idea going. See, if you buy a meal plan, you will pay. And buying a meal plan is obligatory for 3,000 students. This is not a volunteer thing.

This Unavoidable tax is justified by saying that only $35,000 of the estimated $225,000 comes from the residence halls. But students will pay the bulk of the tax. $35,000 is a low figure – one that intentionally misrepresents the facts. Without a doubt, students already pay the bulk of the second “B” tax – alcohol.

Let’s be honest here – nobody drinks more booze or eats more pizza and china buffet than college students. It’s the parents and relatives of college students who stay in the hotels – the first “B” taxes.

Initially, the Students’ Association went to bat for the students. This Ferocious, Steel-Toothed organization, best known for its petty squabbles and love for parliamentary procedure, actually had a few Benevolent ideas.

But nothing puts the kibosh on benevolence like a Kickback. SA discussion with the City Commission turned from “No New Tax!” to “Give SA the Tax!” With $35,000 on the table, the SA suddenly fell in Love with the new tax.

Their theory, as it was reported in the Brookings Register, was that the SA would take the student tax dollars and use it to offer more student activities. Obviously, nothing is more sacred than the Johnny Holm Band and organized Frisbee golf – even if it means strong-arming $35,000 from students.

Of the 18,000 people in this town, 8,000 are students. You needn’t be a political guru to understand why it’s easy to shaft students: nobody cares about you.

Step 1. To avoid repeated Shafting, change your voter registration. Why do you need to vote absentee for four years in Parkston, Clark or Reliance? You live here. Vote here.

Step 2. Write Angry Letters to elected officials, the SA, the Brookings Register, the Argus Leader – dare I even say the Collegian, too? Nobody writes letters. One will be noticed. Ten will be a deluge.

I don’t want to suggest that this money isn’t used for Wonderful Things. We do have the Brookings “Someplace Special” slogan. I’d pay at least $10,000 for such a pithy slogan. We do have a wonderful Convention and Visitor’s Bureau. It’s in an impressive brown, metal shed by the interstate – surely the nicest brown metal shed in town. And thanks to this money, groups like the Jehovah’s Witnesses Grand Assembly and an antique car show can come to Brookings.

It’s one thing if the tax is by choice. But 3,000 students have no choice. It should be a bit obvious that this is quite plainly Wrong.

E-mail comments to Hopper at Nathan_Hopper@sdstate.edu.

Thanks to the wonderful flotilla of Brookings employers, one need not look far to find a Low-Paying, exploitative job. Within Brookings proper, there’s at least a half dozen places eager to harness the low-wage potential of College Educated individuals. So don’t let anyone tell you that Brookings isn’t Someplace Special.

I’ll pick on Daktronics, just because they claim to be All About Students. Here’s what they say: “One of the primary reasons Daktronics founders Al Kurtenbach and Duane Sander started the company back in 1968 was to provide local South Dakota State University engineering and technical graduates with career opportunities in South Dakota.”

Here’s what they really mean: “One of the primary reasons Daktronics founders Al Kurtenbach and Duane Sander started the company back in 1968 was to take advantage of Ignorant College Students who don’t realize that by driving 45 minutes to Sioux Falls or moving elsewhere in the nation, they could earn more money.”

It’s really quite a beautiful system, from an Entrepreneurial point of view: Hire two college students and have them work 20 hours per week. Pay them a third, or a quarter of what a full time employee makes, offer no benefits, and have them share a desk and computer. That equals one full time person. Money in bank.

It also has the added benefit of keeping wages in Brookings low across the board – for every sector of work.

Even SDSU, a place one might think would offer students decent work opportunity, is more than willing to pay much less than a livable wage. If you’re going to really savor the experience of Exploitation, you can’t beat the wonderful system here. Overtime is grounds for termination. Pay is around $5.15 to $5.50. But everyone will be in the same boat as you, so maybe the horrid pay will be a nice conversation starter.

I don’t subscribe to the tired argument of “Well, work somewhere else.” Let’s face it: there is No Place Else. As a student, you are a walking sign reading “I will work for less than anyone else” to most Brookings employers.

Unfortunately, in a Right to Work state (such a clever name for being worker-hostile), you’ve not many options to fight for higher wages. But you have one: don’t accept such pathetic wages. Don’t take $5.15 or $5.50 or whatever, for a job you know is worth $10.25. Believe it or not, most businesses could afford to pay at least 25 percent more than they do. If they tell you otherwise, they’re Lying. If they can’t, then it’s a business run by Fools and not worth working for anyway.

People need to afford some basic luxuries. Once in a great while, it would be refreshing for an employer to make a little less money personally and pay employees a Living Wage. But that’s not the Brookings way.

E-mail comments to Hopper at nathan_hopper@sdstate.edu.

In a few short weeks, we will endure a gay spectacle of the most savage proportions – the Students’ Association elections. It’s a bit early, but the English Major does not dabble in the black art of procrastination and neither should you. To all the SA President and Vice President hopefuls out there, our field agents have compiled this HOW-TO on getting elected.

This report, perhaps the most exhaustive guide to SA elections at SDSU ever written, contains advice that will most assuredly change your life and get you elected.

1. Get a tan – the more closely you resemble a piece of well-oiled calfskin, the better. An exhaustive comparison of losers versus winners shows a clear preference from the electorate to choose candidates with the most artificial, unhealthy, parade gloss tans. The more normal you look, the larger the margin of loss. This step cannot be stressed enough.

2. How much black leather do you own? How tight is the tightest sweater you have? If you’ve not picked up a Banana Republic catalog lately and can still inhale full breaths while wearing the tightest sweater, don’t turn out at all. Appearance is everything, and you’d better look like a hip, Minneapolis urbanite. Small town folk, despite their admiration of Carhart and Wrangler, love the upscale, imported beer crowd.

3. A.B.C. – Always Be Cocky. People love to be humiliated, belittled and insulted by arrogant candidates. Our correspondents, searching the archives, report smashing successes for the candidates who possess a haughty attitude and sharp tongue. Be adept at foiling the electorate. Smile at them, but always repeat this mantra in your head: “He is a male nurse, I am better than him.”

4. Get in the good graces of a paper warehouse. You’ll need all the fluorescent green and orange paper in the tri-state area. Measure your campaign poster distribution not in sheets but in acres.

5. And while we’re on the subject of posters, it never hurts to make as many outlandish, hopeless claims and goals as possible. Our in-house staff of pundits has created a sample list, which is sure to garner more votes than you ever imagined:

-Bring more sideshow acts to campus.

-Twenty-four hour computer lab with free dry-cleaning.

-A Scientology expert in every dorm.

-Hire more Kosher chefs.

-Lower the drinking age to 18.

Notice the use of vivid action verbs. The English Major has not forgotten the lessons of Freshman Comp and neither should you. Inspire the Great Unwashed to follow you. And never forget the power of the words “Twenty-four hour…”

6. Finally, remember this: If you have nothing important to say, say it while standing next to an attractive undergrad who religiously follows steps one and two. Better yet, make her your running mate. We didn’t look too far back, but recent history has shown that it’s not What you say, but Who stands next to you while saying it.

Your mileage may vary, but remember this famous quote – “He who forgets history is doomed to make a good SA president.”

E-mail comments to Hopper at Nathan_Hopper@sdstate.edu.

Job hunting is the last legal form of prostitution. No joke. There’s nothing funny about such a lascivious enterprise. It’s a sick, degrading world out there, but at least the threat of a disfiguring disease is nil. That’s about the only good thing I have to say.

So on to the bad things:

We regret to inform you that…

Thank you for sending your work, but…

Unfortunately, due to the number of application received…

Only candidates who meet our qualifications will be contacted…

No phone calls, please.

Looks good, but get in touch with us next year…

I applied for a job at Tom Daschle’s office in D.C. one summer. They even called back for a phone interview, which I butchered horribly.

Undeterred, the svelte-sounding recent graduate of Augustana still said she wanted to see some writing samples. This was a good sign. A very good sign. But after I sent the writing samples, they never called back. I think they threw out the writing samples. They did send a nice form letter, which was a bad writing sample.

Dear [Nathan Hopper],

Thank you for applying for [summer intern position] at Tom Daschle’s office….

That didn’t make me feel too good, but a case of beer that evening did.

The greatest insult was not that I didn’t get the job, it was knowing that until they actually read something I’d written, I was still under consideration. I was an agent in my own undoing.

In the past 30 days, I’ve applied for one job per day on average. I don’t know whom to curse. At first, I cursed some mysterious, Ming the Merciless type, destruction-minded terrorists whose major blunder was timing their attacks so close to my graduation — post WTC recession and all.

But then the panic and self-doubt set in. It’s not the recession. It’s because I’m an English major who lacks “4+ years technical writing experience with Fortune 500 company.” And “can effectively communicate with French and English speaking clients.” All this for $28,000 a year. How generous.

I tell these Nazis everything. They have nothing short of the most complete dossier ever compiled on Nathan Hopper. And all I know about them is that they feel really bad about telling me how I am utterly unemployable and under qualified.

So I’m out on my corner, every day, strutting my stuff for job hunters, hoping someone will stop and I can end my story like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But instead, all I get is jeers and insults and it turns out more like Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver.

Even the more desirable fields are getting the cob, good and proper like. Engineers, up until about a year ago, had specialized terms to describe the groping and lustful looks from recruiters. They used words like Signing Bonus, Relocation Bonus, Stock Options, Health Club Membership, Student Loan Repayment, etc. It was a steamy Greek bath that nobody left unhappy.

But now, if the last Engineering Job Fair was any example, recruiters are content to show up only to hand out obscene amounts of pencils, glossy pamphlets, rulers, magnets and 16 oz. drinking cups with embossed logos. In short, We’re not hiring, but here are some cheap trinkets to show you how (little) we care. It’s a flirtation, an unfulfilled interlude and all it did was waste time. My advice to recruiters: put the kibosh on the plastic crap, and don’t show up unless you’re hiring. Nobody likes to have to iron their suit and print out 28 resumes on creamy ivory paper that costs an arm and a leg. It’s all abstinence, my dear reader – a dirty, dirty word.

E-mail comments to Hopper at hopper@sdsucollegian.com.

Terror against terror: That is the new paradigm. In order to stifle terrorism, we must be vigilant, John Birch Society devotees with one eye on our neighbors, and one ear to television.

Immigrants and non-residents, we are told, are worthy of extra attention and suspicion. On Nov. 13, President Bush signed a military order that grants the government powers to detain without evidence or trial anyone who is “in the interest of the United States” of being incarcerated. The actual wording of the order is rather splendid. It reads like a tree house charter, designed to keep the geeky kid with thick glasses at bay.

Gone are the rights to a civil trial. A military court, which has a puny burden of proof vis-