This article is intended as satire.

Assume that Jesus Christ came back as prophesied. What is one of the first things he would do?

Hold a press conference, duh!

Here’s how it might go:

Q: “Mr. Christ, where have you been, and why are we hearing from you now?”

A: “What do you want to hear, the truth or what you want to hear? I have been hanging out, gettin’ it together, roaming the earth. Joan Osborne’s song blew me away. I thought she HAD seen me on a bus. And I would like to formally apologize for 9-11. I was in a deist funk that day I guess.”

Q: “Why is it that you look nothing like we had been picturing you for centuries? Frankly, you bear a much stronger resemblance to, oh, maybe, a Yassir Arafat or Ringo Starr look than the icon we have of you.”

A: “First of all, Yassir and Ringo resemble ME strongly. Secondly, where did you people get the idea I looked like that? I WISH I had hair like that!”

Q: “Would you care to expand upon the Genesis account of the creation?”

A: “Not really but if I don’t, you won’t let up. Genesis was a bet between Lucifer and I. He said you would swallow that stuff about six days, let there be light and so forth. I thought y’all would have caught on long before now. I mean, really, six days to create everything?! What were y’all thinking? You think I’m responsible for Michael Jackson?”

Q: “Since you expelled the tax collectors, would you say you are a Republican or a Democrat?”

A: “Republican?! Would you honestly expect a guy wearing a toga and sandals who looks like Ringo to be anything like ol’ slow witted GW? And although I favor aid to the poor and am against wars, I am more of a libertarian.”

Q: “What do you think of popular culture?”

A: “I hate Christian rock. You think Creed can do a Doors’ song justice? Those groups are worse than ‘boy bands.’ I am not a PETA supporter nor do I enjoy having my name on T-shirts. I haven’t seen any movies lately but I do like Letterman. I have nothing to do with touchdowns being caught or dropped.”

Q: “So which church is closest to what you had in mind?”

A: “None! I am going to have to start all over. You kill pine trees for my alleged birthday? And when I won’t stay dead, rabbits suddenly start laying eggs? Give me a break!”

Suddenly, the Q&A ended as Christ’s security ushered him off stage.

4Dr. Brady Phelps is a professor of psychology. Write to him at brady_phelps@sdstate.edu.

We live in ironic times. When self-described “scumbag” Larry Flynt was accused of peddling obscene materials some years ago, he published some “unpublishable” photographs of wounded and the dead from Vietnam.

He asked “Which is more obscene, a 21 year old nude woman with her legs spread or a 21 year old nude man without an eye or either leg?”

During Bill Clinton’s impeachment hearings, some parents complained that they shouldn’t have to ask their children to leave the room when the nightly national news was on.

But now we have a man who was “legally elected” to restore “dignity” to the office of the President who is bound and determined to sacrifice another generation’s young men and women to settle a family grudge.

Will the same parents ask their children to watch the newscasts of this upcoming obscenity in the name of restoring dignity? We have a President who wants to rid the world of an Iraqi nuclear menace and he can’t even pronounce the word “nuclear.” Presidents who pronounce the word “nuclear” as “nucular” don’t exactly bestow dignity on the office.

Ironically, we have a “Pro-Life” President who will not provide funds to any United Nations programs that could possibly have anything to do with reproductive health of women (That could mean ABORTION!) and he is bound and determined to see more Iraqi children die as a result of his orders.

By the way, a fetus is not a person and how does that horror compare to an unwanted child who is treated like a dog? Where are the Pro-Life protesters when an actual child is being made to suffer inhuman pain?

Ronald Reagan was elected because Billy Carter was perceived as weak and ineffectual. It was ironic how such a weak and ineffectual president had such a low body count on his watch.

George W. Bush was elected because Al Gore was perceived as weak and ineffectual. One really has to wonder what the body count will be with this strong and effective leader; after all, D.C. has plenty of room for more war memorials.

Face it, Iraq is a threat to Kuwait and Israel but poses absolutely no threat to the United States. But, but, Iraq is a destabilizing force and sponsors if not commits acts of state terrorism…! We must do something about Iraq!

But, but, Israel is also a destabilizing force and also commits acts of state terrorism…! But we must not call what Israel does to the Palestinians “terrorism” and we must wink while they do it? After all, its part of the war on terrorism.

During the first Bush administration, the “joke” was “Pray for George” because Vice President Dan Quayle was too big of a moron to be trusted as President. (Tomato really is a tough word to spell, ya’ know!)

With this Bush administration, are we to “Pray for Dick’s heart” as “Dubya” is too big of a moron to be trusted as President? The Canadians did say it first so don’t get mad at me.

On the other hand, maybe we should just “Pray for Colin” because he really has seen the obscenity of war inflicted upon young men and women … and children.

Dr. Brady Phelps is a professor of psychology. Write to him at brady_phelps@sdstate.edu.

I recently asked one of my 100-level courses, “How many of you have accepted Jesus or some other god as your personal savior?”

Then more tellingly, I asked, “How many of you will continue to believe as you do now regardless of any scientific evidence you will encounter in your future?”

Both times, the show of hands was nearly unanimous.

What are college faculty supposed to do with students who state, in effect, they will only learn and believe information that compliments their existing prejudices?

The fact that students enter a university with such prejudices will no doubt be heart- warming to some, who would not call these positions prejudices.

But prejudices are what such beliefs are and the various institutions that instilled such prejudices should be accused of child abuse. Some will obviously complain about my last statement and inflammatory as it is, I stand by it.

This university is trying to be committed to diversity in terms of people but are we committed to diversity of ideas and values?

Is scientific thinking to be used in the classroom but once at home, are students just putting it all away and hoping or praying some god will reveal the “real truth” to them?

If a student enters and leaves this university with exactly the same beliefs and prejudices, the university has done them a great disservice; such a student should demand a refund.

Students should be provoked into thinking about their beliefs, what the basis for their beliefs is, what the adoption of their belief system completely entails and why other people don’t hold the same beliefs.

In the early 1990′s, the UPC brought a gay couple to speak at SDSU. Handsome, happy and obviously in love, the young men talked about how they met, how they fell in love and how much they wanted to be married.

If one of the male voices had been disguised as a female, a blind listener would not have been able to distinguish the pair’s story from that of any heterosexual couple.

But truly blind people were present and tried to provoke the two men with intellectually sterile comments like “I read about Adam and Eve in the Bible but I didn’t see any references to Adam and Steve.”

It was clear to some present that these men were not normal, were not to be treated as just two people in love, and were only fit to be treated as an abnormal abomination.

Now if such beliefs are not prejudices what are they?

On a more recent occasion, the attorney Phillip Johnson was brought to campus to say that evolution was nothing to worry about since in his eyes it was extremely flawed.

One would hope that an educated audience would know when a speaker is out of his or her area of expertise. Johnson clearly was and used legal machinations to make his points sound credible. However, one of my colleagues proudly shook Johnson’s hand afterward.

Now what is a professor to do with students who only want to learn that which compliments what they already “know” is “the truth?”

Some may see my “preaching” here as a threat and seek to further weld some minds shut.

My colleagues and I are not here to threaten or necessarily change beliefs, but we are here to try and make you think and question everything.

4Dr. Brady Phelps is a professorof psychology. Write to him at brady_phelps@sdstate.edu.

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