So I have spent the last few weeks watching season one of “Alias” on DVD. Until I was introduced to this show, I lived a life blissfully unaware of how dangerous this world really is. I am now a fully fledged, grossly unqualified, conspiracy theorist.

Around every corner I see shadows, in every speech from the White House I look for clues as to what is really going on. Little nuances in word selection, what meaning lies behind the meaning.

What frightens me about my new view of the world is not that there are nefarious people in the world. This I already knew. What keeps me awake at night is what I don’t know. I realize, of course, that what I don’t know about this world is directly proportional to how much time I waste watching TV shows like “Alias.” But that doesn’t worry me. I am just performing my Patriotic duty.

As I was saying, what keeps me up at night is what I don’t see. We’ve all heard the reports of our intelligence community failing us. Whistle blowers in the FBI said that reported terrorist activities went ignored. Since that time we have gone through “orange” alerts with nothing happening.

Before we went to Iraq the second time, the news media bombarded us with former weapons inspectors insisting that Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction. They swore by it. Now we have found nothing.

“Click.” (That’s the noise my brain makes when it has a new conspiracy theory.)

I think that the inspectors the UN sent in the first time were right. Saddam was hiding WMD programs and hardware from the inspectors. So, we sent in some operatives to find and extract the weapons in a black ops mission code-named “Ceramic Angel.” I think we succeeded. Kind of. I also think that some of the WMD’s ended up in some bad hands. Now the inspectors are unable to find anything because the country was swept clean. The current administration can’t reveal what the CIA has done without a national security risk, so they pretend that WMD’s are no longer the big issue and that bagging Sadaam is. And of course it is because he has access to the WMD’s or the people that have them and he can give us the list, and we can quietly eliminate them without the public ever knowing what’s really going on.

In the mean time the intelligence community has a bigger problem. I don’t know what it is, but it’s huge. The whistle blowers after the 9-11 tragedy were junior level officers who weren’t in the loop. They didn’t know that their requests were be ignored because their bosses had bigger fish to fry. Whatever these fish are, they are dangerous, because we put all of our resources on this new threat, trying to find out as much information as we can . And it has nothing to do with terrorists. At least not the kind that we know.

However, I do find it interesting that the President announces that we are going back to the moon to set up a base. Yes, very interesting indeed.

This is what keeps me up at night. The threat that I don’t know about that keeps our intelligence experts up at night. The one we are going to space for.

I can’t prove anything yet. But, I’m sure that once I buy season two of “Alias,” things will become clearer. Until then citizens, keep one eye to the sky and an ear to the pavement. Be well. Be Safe. Be Jammin’.

DJ Steckelberg welcomes your conspiracy theories and donations at crazycircusguy@hotmail.com.

Women you should be ashamed of yourselves. I can’t believe that you would let a little thing like biology ruin your bodies. You are disgusting, vile creatures, with no sense of decency. I can’t even believe that you have those things! And when Janet Jackson showed hers off the other night the entire world wanted to wretch.

Or at least that’s what it sounds like if you have been watching the news lately. I must say, that moment fulfilled a dream of mine, and now, finally, I can die a happy man.

How a punk like Justin got to do that I don’t know … lets not talk about him, I am too depressed.

You want to know who I feel the most sorry for? Janet’s costumer. Yeah! She must feel awful. Apparently the whole thing was nothing but a huge mistake. That breast panel was not supposed to come off in Justin’s hand. Her costume must have just fallen apart. I bet Janet’s costumer just feels absolutely awful. I mean, to take all the time to build an outfit like that, and to have it fall apart during its first performance … and on live TV no less. She is probably looking for a new job right now. What are the chances?

But, America has no sympathy for a simple mistake. Americans have cried out, the nation over, saying: Nay! We don’t want to see a woman’s breast with our entertainment. Mary Lou Retton, our cute little 4’10″ gold medal winner from the 1984 Olympics says that she was offended. After all she has four daughters, and how will they ever learn to be ashamed of their bodies if things like this are allowed to continue?

There is another lady filing a class action lawsuit against Ms. Jackson. Yup, that’s right, you too can join her in trying to profit from the absolute moral degradation this world suffered from seeing a partially obscured breast.

I am a little mad at Ms. Jackson though, and her little twerp friend, J.T. It clearly was no accident. It wasn’t the costumer’s fault. No one makes tear away breast panels unless someone intends to tear them off. And the video evidence pretty much tells all: that was a choreographed moment. Shocking, I know. But I am not mad about the incident. I can’t stand that these two stars decided to lie about it.

I know that we as consumers are constantly treated as if we are mindless lemmings dashing for the cliff. I know the rest of the world thinks we are stupid. That’s fine. But when two people do what they did, and then lie about it, you have to wonder just how brainless they truly think we are.

The thing was televised so they can’t think we are blind. It was recorded so they must realize the move would be scrutinized in slow motion. Did they really believe that they could fool us? And why?

Why not just say it was what they wanted to show with their art. Couldn’t they just say that it was a statement? We heard all week long about a special guest. I think we know who, or at least what, the special guest was now. Why not just back up their action afterwards by saying that yes, it was planned.

Why you ask? Because either they are incredibly stupid, which is likely, or even more likely, they guessed that we were too stupid to know the truth.

And in truth they are right. They are from the same industry that tells us that the reason there has been a slip in CD sales is our fault. What kind of industry gets to blame the consumer for slips in sales? They want us to believe that it is Internet downloads. Not the fact that MTV and VH1 have stopped showing music videos … NO! Its our fault and we should feel bad.

What a load of crap. It’s not our fault their business is slipping. And women, you should feel great about your bodies, not ashamed. And all of us need to stop letting those in power pee down our leg and tell us it’s raining.

DJ Steckelberg has a lovely pair of coconuts as well. Talk to him about them at crazycircusguy@yahoo.com.

I hate country music. I mean really hate it. If it were my neighbor I would never talk to it. I mean, if they talked to me, well, then sure, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to say hi or anything. That’s how much I hate it.

Well, Willie Nelson is cool, but that’s it. Oh, I forgot, I’ve listened to Johnny Cash my entire life. And his last album amazes the mind and touches the heart in incredible ways. I like anything thing Kris Kristophersen writes. When Willie Nelson performs Kris’s “Pilgrim,” I want to cry.

Other than those guys though, Country blows. Except for Dwight Yokum. He’s as cool as a late ’70s L.A. punk band. Oh, man! I can’t believe I forgot Garth. I must admit that I used to listen to a lot of Garth Brooks. Not so much Chris Gaines. For some reason I never got into that dude, but Garth, yeah man.

Waylon Jennings wrote the theme to The Dukes Of Hazard. George Straight has one of the best voices in popular music today. Come to think of it …

You know? I was wrong. I guess I don’t hate country music all that much. Omigosh. I think I like it. I do…oh wow…what a break through. I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted. Phew! I came out! I can’t believe it. I feel so liberated! So right! SO ME!! I like country music and I don’t care who hears it! YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC!!! SOME OF IT AT LEAST! IT’S PRETTY GOOD AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!

I guess there is no taking it back now, huh? Well good, I’m glad I said it. After all, country music came directly from the same source as Rock ‘N’ Roll: the Blues. In fact Muddy Waters sang a song called: Country and the Blues had a baby and they called it Rock ‘N’ Roll. Or something like that I think.

In fact, if I hear one more person say they hate country. I am going to say: “Oh, yeah? Well what’s wrong with it? … HUH?”

And they are going to say: “SHUT UP.” Which just goes to prove my point: I hang around with jerks.

But really, what is wrong with Country? Sure sometimes the lyrics are so pandering and cheesy. But so are RNR’s. Have you ever really listened to lyrics? I don’t mean sing along with, I mean say them, read your favorite song like a poem. Now, sing your favorite poem … I think you see what I mean.

Country songs are also usually short which is nice, with the short attention span we have because of all the TV we watch.

I sorta kinda think that Country music can sometimes be pretty cool, a lot, or whatever.

Write to DJ Steckelberg at crazycircusguy@yahoo.com.

Share and Enjoy:

]]>