John Hult
Alas, the year has come to an end. With pomp and circumstance, many of our fellow students shall step foot into the storied and frightening “real world” to fiercely battle the forces of ill will and debt. Lucky stiffs. The rest of us must find a job to pass the hours of another sweltering South Dakota summer that not only puts distance between us and the stressful end of the spring semester but also pays a paltry living stipend suitable to pay for our daily manna. Ramen noodles, macaroni & cheese and beer, probably.
During the torturous hours of burger flipping, footwear selling, lawn mowing and factory lemming labor, many of us will likely begin reading all manner of useless prose with the fervor of a James Joyce fan club member. It’s amazing how appealing Soap Opera Digest or People magazine can become when you do monkey work for summer pay.
So, I have decided to help you, the dear soul who reads something other textbooks during the school year, to get through your days of summer labor. It will be like fantasy football.
I will make some pop culture predictions for Summer 2002, and you can keep score. You and your friends at the local grocery store can make bets with Monopoly money or company equipment on each week’s predictions and the victor shall have the spoils.
Ok, so I do not realistically expect you to clip this article and hold onto it for the entire summer. Most college students have a hard enough time holding onto a pair of socks for an entire summer. But keep reading. It could be fun.
Predictions for the week of:
May 13-Eminem will assault one reporter while doing a promotional tour to promote his new movie. One Spice Girl will get married or engaged. May 20- Keith Richards will make news when his liver falls out of his butt at a celebrity fundraiser. An unruly “Star Wars” fan in Missouri will stab someone for an autographed George Lucas barf bag circa 1978.
May 27- Celine Dion will faint onstage at a routine concert, just as she hits the final high note in “My Heart Will Go On.” Alanis Morrisette’s new single will send someone in an Iowa McDonalds into an epileptic seizure.
June 3- Ja Rule scores another #1 hit on the R&B charts collaborating with either Tweet or Ashanti. One of the Olsen twins will caught making out with Prince William during a polo match.
June 10- A drunken fan at an Ozzy concert will throw a three-pound ham onstage during “Crazy Train.” 16 people at a Georgia swap meet will report seeing Christina Aguilera buying shoes and a vintage copy of Glen Campbell’s classic “Gentle on My Mind.”
June 17- Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson will release a cover of the Sonny and Cher hit “I’ve Got You Babe.” MC Hammer, sans the MC, releases a cover of Kid Rock’s “Bawitdabah.”June 24- Radiohead’s Thom Yorke will crash his motorcycle through the windows of FAO Schwartz in New York City in a drunken rampage. NSYNC officially breaks up.
July 1- John Mellencamp’s campy “Peaceful World” will blasted through the entire week at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Mandy Moore’s hair will start on fire when she attempts to light the first mortar blast of a July 4 fireworks display after a Yankees game.
July 8- Warped Tour veterans Blink 182 will appear at the music festival in drag and perform under the name “Hoobaboobs.” Eminem will assault another reporter. The reporter later admits that he thought Russell Crowe had a better left hook
July 15- Danny Bonaduce will be caught Pee Wee Herman style, but not in a theater. Sources will report that the host of “The Other Half” is caught with his pants down in the costume room of “The View.” Fred Durst will hire Dave Navarro to record guitar solos over a new album of Limp Bizkit remixes.
July 22- Britney Spears will be caught making out with Prince William at a polo game. The Olsen twins gather manure and dump it in Britney’s car. The George Lucas barf bag that the Missouri fan stabbed a collector for will become Ebay’s third-highest selling item.
July 29- Russell Crowe will assault Eminem. Thom Yorke’s license will be revoked for life when he tries to run down Danny Bonaduce, who refuses to loan him the shoulder pads from Star Jones’s suit.
August 5- Spin magazine will report that Slipknot has been changing guitarists every three months for the past three years, but no one noticed. Jennifer Love Hewitt revives her singing career by doing a duet with Ja Rule.
August 12- Christina Aguilera’s copy of Glen Campbell’s “Gentle on My Mind,” will nearly surpass the George Lucas barf bag as it hits number four on the Ebay all-time spendiest buys. The MP3 of a single, traded on Audio Galaxy under the group name “Hoobaboobs,” will become the most downloaded song of the week.
August 19- Russell Crowe and Eminem will assault Matt Lauer on the “Today” show just because. Britney Spears and the Olsen twins will score a number one single with “Stronger Without Will.” The single will be banned in Great Britain but will become the most downloaded MP3 there, anyway.
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